Pornography and the Internet

by Dr. William Curnow (Licensed Christian Counselor).

Pornography is not about sex or the need for sex. Pornography is about relationships – or the lack of them - and the painful desire lack of emotional intimacy creates. Legitimate emotional needs have become sexualized – attached to sexual feelings – and misrepresented. The momentary thrill of the response from our body and soul makes us forget, just for a little bit, the painful lack of real intimate relationships. The more we indulge in pornography, the more we distract ourselves from dealing with the real issues of the heart, the deeper the addiction goes and the longer it will take to identify and deal with the core issues.

In the past, there was much more of a decision factor in looking at pornography. You had to make the decision to go out and buy the stuff. You had to decide how and where you were going to hide it. The battle could be considered a little easier because there could be more time and planning between episodes.

Not so with the Internet. The problem of detection and storage has been minimized. Once you have been to sites, they can pop up on your screen and take you by surprise. You only have to “click” and you are there. Computer savvy people can erase where they have been to a large extent. Unless you spouse is as computer literate, she will probably not know how to find out where you have been.

Why does pornography get such a hold on you? Because your brain does not distinguish between what is real and vividly imagined. You body will react whether you are actually having a sexual experience or imagining having a sexual experience. In the past, you only had pictures to look at and stories to read. The action took place in your mind. With the Internet, and the capability of interactive sites, you can be much more involved in what happens than ever before. The excitement level has increased so high that the lure is something you find hard to deny.

What you want is real intimacy with someone. You think it is with another woman (or man) but it may not be. Your need for intimacy may go back to your family and your desire for legitimate intimacy with your parent of the same or opposite gender. At some point, these needs became sexualized and the thrill of the moment masks and confuses the real issues.

If people can become objects on paper, they can become objects even more on the internet with camera’s recording everything someone does. They are still an object, not a real person, and the value to you is heightened experience. When you try to have a sexual relationship with your spouse, there is no way you can duplicate that experience. Your spouse may end up feeling like an object because they sense you are trying to get them to do something they don’t like or is distasteful. The result: you prefer to go back to the Internet where you can control what action you see. This false experience is so powerful that you can prefer that over a real life spouse. Eventually, problems in the sexual area can spill over into the entire relationship and your partner my feel ignored and unnecessary.

Young people who view pornography consistently will also begin to view people as objects for their enjoyment. Sexual experiences become a means to try to duplicate what you have viewed on the Internet. Before marriage even takes place, you have already damaged it because you have trained your brain to view people as objects for your enjoyment.

When you realize that pornography is not about sex but deeper issues of the heart and you commit to dealing with those real issues, you need to have an Internet filter that is not controlled by you. The filter needs to be on your Internet service provider. For most of us, the filter AFO provides will allow you to break the behavior pattern and remind you to deal with the core issues of relationship that have existed for a very long time.

Some Statistics

• Cyber-sex is the crack cocaine of sexual addiction. (Dr. Robert Weiss, Sexual Recovery Institute, Washington Times 1/26/2000)
• Cyber-sex reinforces and normalizes sexual disorders. (Dr. Robert Weiss, Sexual Recovery Institute, Washington Times 1/26/2000)
• Cyber-sex is a public health hazard exploding because very few are recognizing it as such or taking it seriously. (MSNBC/Stanford/Duquesne Study; Associated Press Online, 2/29/2000)
• 57 million Americans have Internet access. (MSNBC/Stanford/Duquesne Study, 2000)
• 25 million Americans visit cyber-sex sites between 1-10 hours per week. Another 4.7 million in excess of 11 hours per week. (MSNBC/Stanford/Duquesne Study, Washington Times, 1/26/2000)
• At least 200,000 Internet users are hooked on porn sites, X-rated chat rooms or other sexual materials online. (MSNBC/Stanford/Duquesne Study, Associated Press Online, 2/29/2000)
• MSNBC/Stanford/Duquesne Study, 2000
  - Men prefer visual erotica twice as much as women
  - Women favor chat rooms twice as much as men
  - Women had slightly lower rate of sexually compulsive Internet behavior
  - 70% keep their habit a secret
  

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